Now that we’re in the enlightened 21st century, every self-respecting reader is intimately familiar with all the early time travel classics. Anno 7603, Paris avant les hommes,[/em] “A Tale of the Ragged Mountains,” “The Clock That Went Backward,” El Anacronópete, The Time Machine, blah blah blah. But let’s be honest and call a Morlock a Morlock: All those old tales are tales of vacuous travelers through time, none of them giving a thought to contorted paradoxes, none wondering which lover they would get back (or get revenge on) if given the chance, none fretting about what might happen should they kill their younger self, and none having impure thoughts about sleeping with their mothers or the consequences of doing so. Yep, I’d always proudly boasted that it was my generation who discovered such sauciness.

And then I stumbled upon Jacques Rigaut’s century-old gem that managed all that and more in under 1,000 words more than a century ago.

Now that I know that one of the Monkees wrote this time-travel yarn of a dirtbiker riding his motorcycle through a time portal and into the Old West, the universe begins to make sense.

Typical skateboarding teenager Marty McFly meets Doc Brown for the first test of his DeLorean time machine, but when Libyan terrorists strike, things go awry, Marty and the DeLorean end up in 1955 where his parents are teens, and the Doc of 1955 must now send Marty back to the future.

The director of Hilltop Research Station extinguishes various fires while hosting a donor dinner in the Cretaceous and planning predatory behavior of his own to keep the donor funds flowing, all while ensuring that the mysterious beings known only as the Unchanging remain in the dark about a quagmire of time travel violations.

Jameson is a jerk. He pretends to love his mother, with whom he shares a house. He discovers time travel via a Legoland Time Machine and uses it to destroy women who “dumped” him. Yep, this guy is a real “winner.”

I was so disappointed with this movie that I’m going to have to write a spoiler. So if you don’t want to be spoiled, please don't hover your mouse over the following:

Here’s the problem: Heinlein’s story “—All You Zombies—” was the last word on one specific kind of time travel story: The story is which there is but one timeline. If you travel to the past and do something, it is because you traveled to the past and did that thing. But the Spierig brothers completely missed this point by introducing an older version of the Unmarried Mother who has newspaper clippings of other timelines that he has changed. The nice closed sexual loop is still present in the movie, but that wasn’t enough to stop my disappointment at the drubbing that the central story idea took. I wasn’t so hot on the music either (except for “I’m My Own Grandpa”), but the relationship between the Barkeep and the Unmarried Mother was spot on as was the depiction of time travel and the foreshadowing.